Intro to Introverting

You find yourself at a small get-together or a large party, and at some point you realize someone is talking to you and you're not listening. It might look like this:

'What is this person so excited about?' you wonder. You begin to listen, and are shocked to find out it's something that has nothing to do with you. And it's not even about anything you like, it's about them. You continue to listen, and hope that the person will leave you alone soon, but when you say noncommittal things in response like "hmmm..." and "really?" they keep talking! The nerve!
Learn to employ the word "Yep". "Yes" is an answer to a question, "Yup" is used in gentle approval, but "Yep" is a conversation murderer.

Some Guy: So then I was looking for apartments in woodland heights, which is a nice neighborhood, ya know?
You: Yep.
S.G.- But it was 1050 just for a 1 bedroom!
Y- Yep.
S.G.- Where do you live?
Y- Yep.
S.G.- Umm... so where do you live?
Y- Yep.

At this point, if the stranger or close friend doesn't stop talking to you, higher level tactics might need to employed to ensure survival and escape. First try lying, and if all else fails, try honesty. Example-

S.G. - Dude, you're just saying 'yep'. Are you even listening?
Y- Oh snap! I think I locked my keys in my car! *Walk out*
S.G. - *Following you out* Dude I'm like an expert at this. Do you have a coathanger?
Y- What? Umm... no that's okay, I have a spare key underneath... or something
S.G. - Oh, so let's go back in
Y- YOU PEOPLE ARE DRAINING THE LIFE OUT OF ME! GET AWAY! THERE IS ONLY ME!

When you leave, you might feel small or large pangs of guilt. After all, how are you ever going to make friends if you don't go places and talk to people? Stop pitying yourself! You have plenty of friends, waiting to party with you back home! These include-

Lying in bed you'll look back on your time alone with fondness. That was great, wasn't it? You deserve it! Next time, skip a few steps and just never leave your home.

*COMING SOON*
Advanced techniques in introversion: Inventing imaginary friends and obligations to avoid acquiring actual friends and obligations.